The Subtle Weight of Secret Habits: Why We Sabotage Ourselves in Private

There’s a kind of pain we carry that never makes it to the surface. It’s not loud or dramatic. It’s silent, evasive, tucked inside rituals we do alone—rituals that give us momentary comfort, but long-term shame. We tell ourselves we’re fine. But we know better. We always know better.

“To evade the feelings of guilt, I have a secret life where I do that.”

The sabotage isn’t loud. It’s not something we confess over coffee or unpack in therapy. It looks like leaving the house just to eat junk food so no one sees. Like pretending we’re full, when really—we're hungry for something deeper. Not food. Not sugar. Not weed. But peace.

“She knows better. We just hold the symbolic representation of that better.”

We become symbols to each other. Mirrors of who we want to be. So, when someone starts to change, it makes the other person squirm. Maybe not out loud, but energetically. Because change is contagious. And if you’re not ready to change yet, you hide.

“She should be thinner… she’s not really eating around people, she takes a standard serving… but she eats out like every other day if not every day. I think I have an intuition. That she sometimes leaves the house just to eat bad.”

We don’t replace addictions with nothing. We replace them with something. That something just better be worth it—because if it’s not intentional, it will default to the path of least resistance.

“People never cut habits, they just replace them.”

So when you take away the food, you’re left with the craving. When you take away the weed, you’re left with the raw nerves. When you remove the coping, you meet the pain it was cushioning. And no breathwork, no jog, no cold shower seems to scratch the itch.

“I’m struggling a little bit on doing no cannabis right now. Like I really want it for after a stressful day for socialization purposes. It’s literally just to wind down my nervous system. But I’m not going to replace it with alcohol or anything bad.” -Vesuvius The Dreamweaver

The illusion is that discipline will save us. That if we just do the right thing long enough, the pain will vanish. But for some of us, even the “right thing” becomes hollow.

“Things that used to bring me joy just don’t. And I understand what spiritual awakening does. I’ve been through that before… I’ve shed so many things that just don’t bring me joy anymore through my journey. But I’m at another juncture with this and it’s like—does anything make me happy?” -Starlite The Oracle

This is the part no one warns you about: that healing isn’t a constant high. That you might outgrow the very tools that once saved you. That even breathwork stops working. That jogging around the block becomes routine. That even your joy rituals lose flavor.

And you’re left face to face with your secret self—the one who doesn’t perform anymore. The one who just wants to feel again.

So what do we do with that?

Maybe we stop trying to fix ourselves and start being radically honest. About the shame. The cravings. The boredom. The quiet ways we break our own hearts.

Maybe we stop asking what we should be doing and start listening to what we actually need.

Because the subtle weight of secret habits isn’t rooted in weakness. It’s rooted in unmet needs. And it’s in naming those, without shame, that we begin to heal.

Want more like this? Check out yes2u.org for resources to help you say YES to yourself. Subscribe to our podcast “What’s Wrong With Humans?” and join our YES2U Academy to explore the raw, real journey of self-liberation. You don’t have to do it alone. But you do have to be honest.